The Chundered From Down Under
If it feels a little like he’s dead, it’s because he is. They’ll tell you the despondent also-ran returned to Australia after tonight’s crushing disappointment, but the truth of the situation is that Randy, Simon and Seacrest have already ceremonially devoured every last morsel of Johns’ still-warm flesh from a post-show buffet. (Sadly, Paula Abdul could not take part in the feast and confirm her suspicion that the Aussie “tastes as good as he looks,” as she had her stomach replaced with an experimental, painkiller-dispensing organ that’s robbed her of the ability to digest solid food.)