“ It’s not like you’d know who my dad was.
— Super-high-maintenance contestant Shayne (21, actress, Malibu—no red flags there) just moments before The British Bachelor browbeat her into making the shameful admission that her father is [SFX: drum roll] LORENZO FUCKING LAMAS. [SFX: The screams of five hundred leukemia-stricken kittens being drowned in a kiddie pool full of boiling water.] Habitual consumers of bad reality television hardly need to be told that this is easily the most jaw-dropping relationship reveal since the finale of Average Joe 2: Hawaii ended with the disclosure that the “winning’ Hunk’s prize was Fabio’s sloppy seconds.