Thinking Out Loud About Recent Events At The Baseball Winter Meetings And Their Possible Consequences For The New York Yankees
1. Marlins sign Jose Reyes, ask Hanley Ramirez to change position to 3B.
2. Hanley Ramirez says he doesn’t want to change positions. Doesn’t ask to be traded, but doesn’t NOT ask to be traded.
3. Yankees trade Manny Banuelos, Austin Romine (or Gary Sanchez) and two high-level prospects for Hanley Ramirez. But not Jesus Montero. Well, maybe Jesus Montero, but no. No. No, not Jesus Montero. Take Slade Heathcott, fine, another Triple-A guy, too. Shut up, take them, assholes.
4. Yankees ask Derek Jeter to move to left field to accommodate Ramirez; Jeter, confronted with a great and face-saving opportunity to finally move from shortstop, Captains-up and accepts for his final season before retirement, recognizing the team’s proud, longstanding tradition of tolerating poor defense when a middle infielder can hit this shit out of the ball.
5. Yankees trade Brett Gardner for pitching. No one great, but a decent, number-three-starter-y guy. I love you, Brett. So much. But we have to do it. I’m not crying, you’re crying.
6. Brian Cashman buys me a pony for these great, out-of-the-box ideas. A pretty, pretty pony, which I name Bernie.
7. Hanley Ramirez misses 50+ games for the next two years.
8. Derek Jeter comes out of retirement in 2014, reassumes shortstop, and hits/OBPs/slugs .258 at age 40. But with dignity. Also he dates Elizabeth Olsen.
9. The Red Sox win four consecutive World Series starting in 2012. After each championship, Bobby Valentine takes out a full-page ad in the NY Post in which he angrily points to a giant, engorged, hopefully Photoshopped penis under the words HOW DO YA LIKE ME NOW?
10. A now-destitute Brian Cashman comes over and personally shoots Bernie Pony-Williams in the head with a slaughterhouse bolt-gun.
11. BERNIE PONY-WILLIAMS, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
12. The Hanley thing’s still kind of a great idea, no?
13. Stop it.
14. I miss my pony.
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