Lisanti Quarterly

Mind officially blown. Then sponged off the wall behind me, wrung out back into my empty skull, then reblown in even sloppier fashion at about the 1:10 mark. You may want to skip this one if you’re feeling a little mentally fragile today.

[via esandberg]

“ Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

—

From Roger Ebert’s mailbag: On the Breeding Properties of M&Ms

[via brokengentleman]

LQ Traffic Alert!

Judging from the large number of distressed, traffic-related dispatches clogging my Twitter feed, the main freeway arteries to Comic-Con hav effectively become geek-internment camps, where thousands upon thousands of frustrated detainees in Green Lantern t-shirts are trapped in Prius-sized prisons, offering up ineffectual prayers for salvation to maddeningly dispassioniate deity Stan Lee.

If you’re headed to San Diego today, charter a helicopter instead and spare yourself the pain.

Perhaps inserting some Hagar-era Van Halen lyrics into the cheese’s ingredients label might have been more appropriate? A chorus from a cut off Balance (say, “I Can’t Stop Lovin’ You”) would’ve played so much better than insinuating there’s something a little Roquefort about “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love.”

[via balk]

The “Waterskiing Squirrel Rule” of local news strikes again.

evilqueenmagda:

But hey, light ice creams!

Well, at least they took the trouble to move the tongue and drop of blood to the other side of the mouth.

[via skeetonmischa via danhacker]

A Brief Note On The Pleasantly Unexpected Contents Of My DVR

I just experienced a moment of crippling shame while inspecting my TiVo program list, where I discovered three unwatched episodes of Swingtown.

You know where I’ll be for the next 180 or so minutes.

(Watching a porned-up Grant Show continue to draw his squaresville neighbors ever deeper into his sexually liberated, generously shag-carpeted world, but in a way that’s safe for a conservative TV network’s somewhat titillated primetime viewers, that’s where!)

“ I can’t imagine what it’s like to be so culturally out of touch to have not seen Batman for like, SIX DAYS. It’ll be like you’re returning from a year with a bloody volleyball.

— Me. Indeed, I am often an annoying jackass. But in my defense, this dude probably killed Estelle Getty, so he’s getting his Tumblr-style karmic retribution. [via stephenfalk]

» Train vs. Pedestrian 7/23/2008

Sadly, the pedestrian rarely wins.

A Note On The Previous Post Re: A Kitten Named "The Internet"

No, I’m not going to reveal the name of the other kitten. Suffice it to say that it’s not nearly as fantastic as The Internet, nor something cute-obvious like LOLcat.

But what I am willing to do is accept your reblogged suggestions for a new name for Kitten Number Two (a female, incidentally), then pass along the best candidates to the owner. Perhaps we can collectively browbeat him into giving the poor thing a name as good as the one bestowed upon her adoptive sibling.

I feel incredibly stupid for not realizing there was a movie in this after being stuck behind the bus ads innumerable times. But I’m definitely starting my I’m Dr. Zizmor, And I Can Help You Look Your Best script right now.

lonelysandwich:

Sacha Baron Cohen to play LA’s ubiquitous abogado

Movie Newz: According to Variety, Sacha Baron Cohen sold a pitch to Fox Atomic to produce a film about and likely portray Juan J. Dominguez (or a character presumably based on Juan J. Dominguez, moustachioed above).

New Yorkers have their Dr. Jonathan Zizmor. In LA, we got this guy.

Image courtesy flickr/kidjay.

LQ Fun Fact

One of my friends recently adopted a pair of kittens. And named one of them “The Internet.”

Yes, including the definite article.

The only Estelle Getty tribue video you’ll need on this sad day.

[via esandberg]

Church fire!

[via lafd]

Previously: Truck fire!

“ The first couple of tours where everyone is on the make it feels like fun, like rock and roll, because no one has the expectation that rock stars should get laid more strongly than newly minted rock stars. But after a few tours, when the ratio of good experiences to bad ones has started to sink in, the minimum criteria of enticement starts to rise. Sneaking away with a girl sets in motion a whole chain of circumstances, and each one has to go exactly right for the experience to be worthwhile. A bad night with a deranged and drunk fan can ruin a whole week of subsequent shows. You can get sick, or lose a night of sleep that it’ll take five days to make up, and the blow to your self-confidence can darken a whole tour. I once had a more seasoned rock star laugh ruefully at me when I returned from an ill-fated encounter. He took one look at my dejected and disheveled slouch and said, “I knew she was bad news, she had high-maintenance hair.” After awhile there are almost no circumstances that will lure you away from the comfort of your band mates and your routine. You become superstitious, even paranoid, waiting for the beautiful and fascinating fan who singled you out at the bar to suddenly reveal that she “knew you were a Virgo by your antennae,” or that you “remind her of all of her dead boyfriends.

— The Long Winters’ John Roderick (in addition to being a brilliant songwriter, he’s a dismayingly good writer of prose—and yes, yes, I know: there I go again with The LW reacharounds) on the oft-unglamorous business of sampling the groupie-buffet while on tour.